Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
