I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
