Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
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You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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