Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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