There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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