Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
