fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
