My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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