life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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