I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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