"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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