In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
