apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
