I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
