I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
