Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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