Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
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i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
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