I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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