bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
