I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
