so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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