Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
