It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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