ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
