so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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