I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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