I wish I could teleport
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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