no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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