forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
