There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
