u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
