I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
