I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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