she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
