I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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