This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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