i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
