I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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