Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is Oprah even human
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
