haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
