I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
