I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
