I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
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Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket