I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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