I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.