Where is the hickey?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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