just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
