i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
