Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
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