Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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