so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
