forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
