she woke up with a sticky ear
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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