just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
