i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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