...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
