alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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