hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have aggressive nipples.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
